


Pistol Tits and the Bar Brawl

by EdgarAllenPoet



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Boys Being Boys, Canon Compliant, Early Days, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gen, Near Future, Pre-Kerberos Mission, Shenanigans, one shots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-20 19:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10669041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdgarAllenPoet/pseuds/EdgarAllenPoet
Summary: Story one: "Hunk thought, 'Man, we're gonna look kick ass in some dope Altean suits' and left it at that."Story two: "'I can't believe you!' Matt snapped, voice a harsh whisper as he army crawled after Shiro in a ditch in some unsuspecting civilian's front yard."





	Pistol Tits and the Bar Brawl

**Author's Note:**

> My uncle told me a couple of stories from his days in the marine corps, and I immediately thought, "Huh... I could see the paladins doing this...." So here you have it, two nonsense drabbles. Tada.
> 
> Also, I'm a strong believer that Shiro was quite the trouble maker before the whole Kerberos thing went down. Stupid ass college boy behavior, I can see it now.

Story One

 

Gender doesn’t exist in space.  

 

At least, it didn’t for the Paladins of Voltron.  It would be hard for it to persist considering they all wore the same style of armor, did the same jobs, shared the same bathrooms, and treated each other as equals (with the exception of Shiro and Allura, who flexed their authoritative muscles whenever the need arose).  It had been similar at the Garrison, where the only difference gender made was whether you called someone “ma’am” or “sir.”  But out in the vacuum of space, where they were paladins and brothers in arms above all else, where they were defined more by their species as human than they were by the differences among them, pronouns stopped being a thing that was thought about. 

 

It didn’t help that Pidge was the most androgynous person in the entire fucking galaxy.  

 

Years in space and nothing changed, not that change was expected.  Pidge was static in time, a constant, staying the same even while they all aged.  They all got older, a little bit taller.  The boys’ shoulders filled out and their jawlines became defined and Keith finally started to grow facial hair (Lance and Hunk had teased him endlessly when they’d found out, early into their time in space, that Keith had never shaved).  

 

Shiro got wrinkles around his eyes and occasionally rubbed at his shoulder like it was hurting him.  Pidge got taller, but not by much, and beyond that nothing changed. 

 

It was easy for them to forget she was a girl.  Unlike Allura, who was a warrior above all else, but who expressed herself in the feminine manner of a princess, Pidge didn’t express like that.  Pidge was just Pidge. 

 

Lance and Hunk had been students with her at the Garrison when she was a boy and it wasn’t something they ever questioned.  Shiro had known her as character in the stories Sam and Matt told on the months long trip to Kerberos, and the little sister in those stories didn’t always transfer directly onto the soldier he came to know.  Keith had only ever known her in space, and it wasn’t long after meeting her that she revealed her “secret identity.”  He didn’t really give a shit either way. 

 

So yeah, when it came down to it, gender didn’t exist in space.  It was easy not to think about it. 

 

They continued not to think about it, or at least Hunk did, even as Allura announced a formal diplomatic meeting on the planet Skrawm’ull and said insisted that formal wear was required.  

 

Hunk thought, ‘Man, we’re all gonna look kick ass in some dope Altean suits’ (sometimes his inner monologue sounded suspiciously like Lance) and left it at that.  Usually at diplomatic meetings they all wore their armor.  Hunk didn’t even stop to consider that this time would be different just because they were dressed differently. 

 

He spent most of his time getting ready listening to Lance go on and on about how great this party was going to be- “Maybe like the one with the Orbs, or maybe there’ll be more of that  _ stuff _ , remember?  Hopefully it won’t be like the first one, when I got blown up” -and helping Keith navigate the weird ties that held their three piece suit/cape combination formal wear in place.  

 

They were color-coded, as per usual, and Hunk felt a little bit ridiculous.  Why couldn’t he be the black paladin, or even the blue one.  Something with a  _ not _ obnoxious color scheme.  T least he didn’t look like Keith, who was being taunted endlessly by Lance for looking like a member of the fire nation.  If they’d been a few years younger, Hunk might have had to hold them off each other to keep them from fighting.

 

At least they were slightly more mature than before.  Keith simply retaliated by rolling his eyes, and they left it at that.

 

Shiro, Coran, Allura, and Pidge all got ready separately, and they didn’t see each other until the party was actually starting.  Allura was sweeping through the room, making early rounds of polite conversation so she could disappear to the sidelines to observe the way she preferred to.  Keith had already stuck himself to a wall, looking for all the world like he was praying no one approached him.  Hunk was following Lance around, talking politely to the people of Skrawm’ull and listening to excited recitations of Voltron’s adventures, which sounded much different than he remembered them.  But hey, they all spent most of their battles screaming and winging it, even now.  It wasn’t such a loss if they looked put together from the outside. 

 

Hunk didn’t even realize Pidge wasn’t in the room, didn’t even think about it, until Lance brought it to everyone’s attention.  Pidge appeared in the doorway looking almost unrecognizable in a green, black, and white dress.  It was form fitting on top, hugging her chest and abdomen and being held up with thin straps.  The skirt started at a high waste and cascaded down to her ankles like a fabric waterfall.  The pattern covering the entire dress was intricate and it looked random at first, until he looked closer and realized her dress was decorated with a bunch of guns.

 

Which explained (at least partly) why, when Pidge walked in, the calm of the room was interrupted by Lance yelling, “Well take a look at pistol tits!” 

 

And yeah, they were a few years older now, but nothing had actually changed.  

 

Pidge responded immediately by yelling, “That’s captain pistol tits to you!” 

 

And Shiro’s voice rang out, “Language!” even though they were all too old for the Dad Voice to have much of an effect on something so trivial (as if they’d ever listened to him anyways). 

 

Hunk felt frozen in place, anxious to see how the outbursts would affect the outcome of this formal meeting.  He sought Allura out in the crowd and caught the brief moment of silence before she erupted into laughter. 

 

The tension melted, everyone following the Princess’s lead and losing it.  A strange, yet seemingly joyous noise came from the Skrawm’uens.   Pidge was grinning as she made her way over to them, and she socked Lance hard in the shoulder immediately on her arrival. 

 

Lance was unaffected.  He beamed and asked, “What the  _ hell _ are you wearing?” 

 

Pidge smirked back wickedly and said, “What, jealous?”

 

Lance just laughed and ruffled her hair, which was unruly as ever despite the rest of her appearance.  “Totally,” he said, then raised his voice to be heard across the room.  “We should get Keith one that matches!” 

 

Keith pushed off the wall and headed their way, saying the first words he had since the party started.  “You’d look better in it.” 

 

Hunk looked over Pidge’s dress again, really appreciating the fact that it was  _ guns _ .  Where the hell had she even found it?  It was probably the most Pidge thing he could have imagined. 

 

Lance said, “We should start using code names for espionage-” He ignored Keith’s interjection that they very rarely did espionage, and if they did, they sent Allura. “-We already have Fire Nation and Pistol Tits.”

 

“ _ Captain _ Pistol Tits.” Pidge shot back.

 

Keith crossed his arms and grumbled, “Why do I have to be Fire Nation?” and Hunk wrapped his arm around Keith’s shoulders and tugged him into his side.  Pidge crossed her arms as well, that mean ass look back on her face again. 

 

“That’s okay,” she said.  “Lance’s name is Ice Queen.”  Lance jumped right on that -of course he did- insisting that everyone refer to him as your majesty and saying he’d inform Allura that she was outranked in the morning.

 

Pidge added, “Hunk can be Beefcake,” but Lance immediately shook his head.

 

“No way,” Lance argued.  “Hunk gets to be Crunch Wrap Supreme.  Shiro is Beefcake.” 

 

Hunk rolled his eyes and said, “Aw, thanks buddy,” because Crunch Wrap Supreme was the  _ best _ thing on the menu after all.  

 

Keith had different ideas about that, however.  He shook his head and said, “No.  Steve.”  Everyone turned to look at him, and Hunk was glad he wasn’t the only one who had no idea what he was talking about.  Keith squirmed a bit under the attention.  “Y’know, like Steve Rogers?  Captain America?”

 

There was a stretch of silence as they all thought it over, and then everyone nodded at once.  “Roger that,” Lance said.  Hunk noticed Shiro heading their way over Lance’s shoulder and waved him closer. 

 

Meanwhile, Pidge grabbed at the top hem of her dress and shifted it around.  “I forgot how weird it is to not wear pants.  I feel naked,” she complained, right when Shiro reached them.  

 

He looked worn down by their shenanigans as he said, “You’re supposed to be making conversation, preferably with your pants  _ on _ .” 

 

Lance motioned to Pidge and said, “She’s not wearing pants!  Does that mean she’s excused?”  

 

Pidge just walked away slowly, backwards, staring them down with a stone faced expression as she said, “Viva le revolution,” and then darted off to find someone else to talk to.  Hunk disappeared as well, stepping away just as Shiro started to tell Lance there would be a  _ conversation _ about the pistol tits incident, which was probably the best named incident they’d had so far.  

  
  


* * *

 

Story Two

 

In his defense, Matt hadn’t expected the night to go in this direction.  It was supposed to be a chill night on the town, a chance to relax before tackling the wrap up of their cadet training in their finals the next week.  He and Shiro were supposed to sneak out to the nearby town, have some drinks, have some laughs, and go home.  They weren’t supposed end the night hiding from the cops. 

 

“I can’t believe you!” Matt snapped, voice a harsh whisper as he army crawled after Shiro in a ditch in some unsuspecting civilian’s front yard.  “I can’t believe that just happened.”

 

Shiro looked back over his shoulder, probably grinning, but Matt couldn’t tell in the dark.  He sounded far too proud of himself as he said, “It was pretty cool, though, right?” 

 

“If we get caught we could get expelled.  You’re applying for officer, Shiro!  I  _ just _ got my thesis approved!”  

 

Matt squeezed himself into the tiny space next to Shiro, packed in shoulder to shoulder in the gross, damp space of the ditch.  He glared at him hard and opened his mouth to continue, but then Shiro’s eyes widened and he clamped his hand over Matt’s mouth with an urgent, “Sh!” 

 

They stayed silent and still as police lights washed over them.  They held their breath for several long, agonizing seconds as the police car crept by.  The sirens faded into the distance, and ever so slowly Shiro let go of Matt and relaxed. 

 

Matt was not relaxed.  “You picked a fight with an  _ entire fraternity! _ ” he scolded. 

 

Shiro just grinned.  “There were only three of them.”

 

“It started a brawl!” 

 

“It’s not that big of a deal!” 

 

“You hit one guy with another guy and knocked both of them out.”  He tried to keep his expression hard, but Shiro’s face was cracking at the edges, and all it took was one twitch of the lip before both of them were busting out laughing.  There they were at twelve thirty a.m. on a Thursday afternoon, laughing like madmen and rolling around in the mud.  They laughed themselves out, until they were gasping for breath and muffling sniggers into the crooks of their elbows.  When they finally calmed down, there was a beat of silence, and then a serene expression made its way across Shiro’s face.  

 

He ducked in closer to Matt, bumping their foreheads together.  Matt could smell the tequila on his breath, but he knew that wasn’t to blame for this.  Not entirely.  It could have just easily of happened if they’d both been sober. 

 

“They were being dicks to you,” Shiro said.  “They can’t just get away with that.” 

 

Matt sighed and chuckled.  “Oh, they didn’t.  Trust me.”

 

Shiro smiled and asked,  “You okay?” even though he was the one with the bruise on his cheek and the bloody knuckles.  He’d get questioned by their professors tomorrow for sure, but they’d probably buy some excuse about a sparring match or something.  Shiro could get away with anything. 

 

All things considered, Matt couldn’t bear to stay mad at him.  “Yeah… come on.  Let’s get back before someone notices we’re missing.” 

 

Shiro nodded as he pushed himself up, looking a bit guilty, like he was finally thinking of the consequences of their actions.  Ah yes,  _ that _ was the Shiro Matt saw walking the halls of the Garrison.  Perfect student, excellent obedience record, following every command to a T and thinking things through.  

 

Matt couldn’t help but like his own Shiro a little bit better, especially when Shiro pulled him out of the mud and said, “Hope we don’t get caught.  Commander Holt would hear all about this, and what would he have to say?” 

 

Laughing as he hauled himself up out of the ditch and onto the road, Matt replied, “He’d say, ‘Takashi Shirogane!  You’re a horrible influence on my son!’ And then he’d tell my mom.” 

 

“Dr. Holt is the one we should be scared of, huh?”

  
Matt nodded gravely.  “Oh yes.” 


End file.
